The End end.

What is wrong with crying? Why do I feel like everytime I need to cry I have to hold it in because it's "bad" to cry?

No one wants to see you cry. Everyine wants to make you feel better. Make you laugh instead of cry. Because crying makes your face scrinch up in that ugly, scary way. We don't know how to react to your tears. It scares us. It isn't natural.

For me anyway. I'm a tough girl. I don't feel. I don't succumb to my emotions because that maes me weak. Society talks a bunch of bull shit. Where do I get these stupid ass ideas? Why can't I friggin CRY my heart out. Cry until I get those choking shakes and my pillow is soaking wet? I haven't cried like that since I was a kid. Why are kids so happy because they get to cry. If I would just allow myself to be like that, to forget about everyones reaction and my own stupid tough girl pride (cuz I'm no tough girl, I'm a little weak crying baby) then maybe I can be free. Where did I learn to choke down my emotions into the pit of my stomach until it fills all the way up to my ears and one day when I'm feeling kind of tired, I'm vulnerable and someone says something to me, something innocent enough and I LOSE it. I freaken lose all that emotion I've been storing up inside. Storing up with out knowing, cuz I swallowed all that years ago! What the heck is it doing to me now?!

So anyway, I need to cry. I need someone to tell me it is okay to cry. I need to get drunk off my ass with all that drama and cry for everything I've never let myself cry for. Everything I should've let myself cry for.

I'm sad I'm leaving all my friends. Were all leaving. College is over. Just like high school is over. But this is different. Sadder. I'm more attatched because I've lived with them. This stupid country is to freakin wide. Why did I got to the other coast? Why do I hurt myself? IT's good, it's bad. I hate to say goodbye. Farewell. Whatever. I may never see you again. Never is a long time. But the thing is, even if I do see you again, time will have passed in so much that it won't be the same. What I'm saying is that how we are today, once I leave, we will never have again. We will never be. Maybe somehow we can try again.

It's like the finale of Friends. HAaaa... good grief.

I just hate change. I guess. I want my real world to work as easily as my fantasy world does. Everyone I know and love can all be together. We all have our own little sitcom. And nobody WORKS. Because work is godawful crap that tears us all apart! I'm getting carried away. Soon I'll be ranting about how crappy the judicial system is and people who smoke are ruining their lungs. I may go into how war sux and why do people have to kill other people and can't we all just get along? This all stems way back into decadence and depravity and man knack for destruction.

So I'm done crying now, the tears just dried up and I never got to the choking stage cuz I was afraid my roommate would hear me again and come try to make me happy again. Damn it I love my miserableness and I'm only happy when it rains. har. har.

so that's it from baltimore. I'll see you in california. Where my new chapter in life is about to begin...

old junk ...new junk