The Nagging Voice

I have this little voice in my head that talks to me every day. I used to think it was my own voice, which it comes in the form of, but it's very mean, now that I think about it. Why would I be so mean to myself? It says some nasty things. It's strange to admit this. Right now it's even telling me that everyone will think I'm stupid or crazy. Don't write it, it says. It quotes Adam Sandler, "They're all going to laugh at you."

I think other people might have a voice like this in their head. Not everybody, just the weaker ones. I am a victim of my mind. It soaks in information from the world and transmits it with increasing velocity every hour.

You're not good enough.
You're not thin enough.
Look at that jiggle, ugh its disgusting.
You look terrible today.Your hair is ratty.
I bet your balding.
Oh no more zits, you ugly pizza face.
How can you even go outside?
No one wants to look at you.
In fact they hate you. They can sense it. They can smell it.
You stink of disgust. Who would want to hire you anyway?
You can't do anything.
You will just fail.
Your're so ugly.
You should be called the hunchback of notre dame except in america.
Stop eating so much, you heffer.
You should just die.
Give up, no one cares.

And now I must stop that already.

I guess you might think that's a little over the top. It's not really. I won't deny that I tell myself those things. Nobody wants to hear about it really. They tell me, Lori, don't say that. You're a great girl. You've got tons going for you. And I know this too. I don't really need reassurance (well maybe sometimes) But sometimes reassurance feeds the fire. Makes it worse.

Like a poor man who refuses handouts. He'd rather make it on his own.

I don't know what to do about the voice. From past expereince I've found that keeping busy makes it a little more quiet. It's this long unending summer and rejection after rejection that's giving it power. It thinks it is winning. It's harder to escape that mentality once I'm so wrapped up in it. Thinking about actually getting a job, actually waking up early again and being gone for nine whole hours is painful. The voice tries its damnedest to beat me down, keep me prisoner. It likes it.

So it is not me. I do not enjoy my own cruelty. If I fight it long enough this week I might just be rid of it by next week. Or atleast shutting it up a bit. See, haha, I will say. I did get a job. It will reply, yeah because someone helped you since you couldn't do it on your own! But then I will say, at the least I can be rid of YOU.

old junk ...new junk