Losing My Beautiful Self

Dad the Bitterly Disappointed and Mom the Incarnate Evil strike again.

Apparently they made a pact this summer that Mom would be the one to help out and encourage (enrage and nag) me to get a job while Dad would be the strong silent one (angrily endouring my animosity towards societal life) while I took up residence with them (freeloading, moocher that I am). So I was just obliviously believing they were giving me space to do things on my own in my own time. To get over the strange new forced freedom and condemnation to some kind of labor until the end of my days. To use my own strengths to over come the pressures of not finding a job in adequate amounts of time and to use that non job finding time in more useful ways.

Unfortunately I did nothing artistic with all that time except worry about when the ticking time bombs I was living with would one day blow up in my face. Sure they occasionally blew up at eachother (later I would find out it was about me anyway) but for the most part I was living an okay existance in my closet of a room.

So I was relieved when I got this office position which I THOUGHT would last me the next three months of no-nagging, until I heard at work they did not know how long I was really needed. So at once Dad jumped on something the neighbor said about an opening for a receptionist position at her place of work. THIS was what Lori needs! He thought. A place where she can get her benefits and even have the opportunity to grow and move up in the company. And a plus is that the neighbor could be the referant to get he in the door!

Um, Dad? I don't like office work. I want to take it off my resume. I don't wanna! NOOOO! I hate them. I'm a whiny baby with no ambition. I need a good slapping around. I need sense knocked into me.

Is that what Dad hears me say to him when I don't have the same excitement as him in this special event of the neighbor suggesting an open postion at her work? I'M SORRY DAD, I'M SORRY I DON'T PRETEND LIKE THAT'S THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. LIKE I WON THE LOTTO WITH THAT ONE. A RECEPTIONIST? WOW DAD, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

EVEN THOUGH YOUR SON ALSO DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. I ATLEAST HAVE A TEMPORARY JOB THAT MIGHT JUST LAST UNTIL NOVEMBER. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YOUR PRECIOUS SON COULDN'T DO A GIRLY RECEPTIONIST JOB. IT WOULD BE DEMEANING. BUT I BET YOUR DAUGHTER WHO HAS BY THE WAY ALREADY GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE, UNLIKE YOUR SON, YOUR DAUGHTER SHOULD TAKE THE STEREOTYPICAL RECEPTIONIST JOB. BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE SHE BELONGS. HOW DARE ANYONE EVER SUGGEST THAT YOUR SPECIAL SON SHOULD DO SUCH DEGRADING WORK? MY GOODNESS.

Thank you DAD the BITTERLY DISAPPOINTED in me. Thank you very much for being upset that I don't have the high gaols of becoming a happy receptionist lady until the day I die. Thank you very much. I'm sorry I always disappoint you with my whiny little voice and my outcries at this unfair unjust world. I am an artist and I am dying in this world full of zombies.

I am losing my beautiful self to the world.

old junk ...new junk