Now is Short, The Damned Soul is Long.

So my temp job wants to hire me for good. They think it will cut them down on the training time since I've been there for 6 months already. They hounded me last frieday about the open position and gave me till monday to think about it and if I thought I wanted it I should post my resume.

With much deliberation and strange encouragement from friends and family, mom: "well if your not going to persue an art career you might as well advance in the insurance business." I posted my resume.

I thought about all the cons. No holidays. No time off for summer. I will be a slave to work forever. All year round. One day off a month. Pro: I can save up those days. Also nice $$ for doing crappy ass slave work.

Fine I'm cynical and yes I'm damn lazy, and No I don't like making an either-or decision jeopardizing my future. What if I want to do something this summer? What if I want to go somewhere? What if I find a job? Why do I have to settle for security and ::shudder:: benefits. If I get sick, fine then. I'll just die.

No no not how the world works Lori-dear. Fuck you all.

Anyway, they haven't hired me yet. If anything miraculous is bound to happen I better suck it up and job search fast. Win the Lotto here I come.

Because today I just felt the gravity of the decision. I hate where I wok and I hate all the people. (Hate is such a strong word Lori...) I despise the commute and I despise the petty pooh. One supervisor I really like. One lady is really nice. The rest...I wouldn't look back. I know I'm a heartless angry fool. I admit it. No heart in here. thud thud. It's full of molasses.

Oh God, how I don't want the job! Can't they find someone better? Won't they see through my stupid little lie: Yes I'm in it for the long haul. Don't trust me! Once you've got me trained I'll turn and quit like there's no tomorrow! There must be something better to do. I must find it! I'm so tired and drained when I come back from work. The welts on my back from their whips stll burn. My muscles ache from the same tiring labor over and over and over again...Somebody set the building on fire!!!!

Funny how all establishments that make me do things I hate I feel I would be justified if someone would take the initiative to burn. Where are those environmental terrorists when you need them? I swear my building is promoting the logging of forrests all over! We waste 50 fifty pound boxes of paper a week! That's grounds for exploitation! Such wastefulness!

Seriously now. Aside from hoping for earthquakes and freak fires or power outages, I have to go back tomorrow on my supposed day off that I asked for but was reject because of some drama over someones husband I dont even know who feel into sudden illness. (If I get into that one no one will believe I have a single drop of compassion in me) (certainly not my own mother)But yes, I must escape.I don't know how or even how much time I have left before they interview me and make me sign my soul over to the devil and banish me to hell. I just applied to one job. It's like I still have that naive inane idea that something perfect and wonderful just for me will suddenly drop into my lap. Pure optimism for ya. From the cynic.haha. so funny.

So we'll see. At that last minute though, I can see myself lose it and admit that I won't let myself do it. Let my parents down. That's probably what I need to do. Let them down real hard. Should coulda woulda, I need to do something now.

old junk ...new junk